Frustration, hope and fear
After the success of going on holidays and enjoying the feeling of being fit for more than I thought I was capable of, I did something I have wanted to do for a long time and booked in some personal training sessions.
The last time I did anything like this was before our wedding, over 10 years ago, and the personal trainer unfortunately pushed my back way too hard and I ended up in a very bad way, so I’ve pretty much avoided gyms and personal trainers since, but it just so happens that one of my best friends is the wonderful Joyce O’Goan who runs Bodyrocstudio in Omagh. So if I were to ever place my faith in someone I couldn’t ask for a more professional, talented, experienced and thoughtful person.
I wanted to take a picture of me on my first day of training and then another when I was doing handstands and looking all lean and toned, you know, giving myself a month or two to reach this… please note the sarcasm! But now having experienced my first two sessions I feel the need to share a little of my journey.
This is going to be a LONG journey. I have found myself pretty much frozen with fear and really quite angry at my body during both my sessions so far.
Years and years of holding myself with pain and the fear of pain, horrible terrifying flare ups and past experiences as I have mentioned have all taken their toll. It is horribly apparent how much my body is literally in fight or flight mode. I am so tense and asking my muscles to let go, to relax, to soften and move is triggering all sorts of pain, fear and pure frustration.
The crazy thing is that Joyce is taking such good care of me and we are taking things at a very slow, safe pace and I know I couldn’t be cared for or looked after more, but my body has memories stored in there, as does my brain, and it is quite literally freaking me out.
I have completed two sessions and have not been hurt in any way, Joyce is really pleased with what we are able to do and when I let myself think about it I am actually incredibly pleased and a little bit proud of the fact that I am even trying this… but how can I stop these freak outs? I can literally see it happening right there, I feel movement in an area that I have done my damnedest to protect for years and the rest of my body freezes and then my mind goes into meltdown.. “what am I doing?! I’m going to regret this! I am crazy thinking I can do this!” plus many more awful negative thoughts rush through my head, all while I’m trying to focus on a move or my breathing… it’s no wonder I come out feeling like I’ve completed some sort of mental marathon!
But there is also the side of me that knows I need to strengthen my body, that wonders how my pain would change if my posture were better and that would love to feel stronger and more capable and fitter. So I am determined to give this one heck of a try. I don’t know if I’ll have some crazy flare up that will call this to a halt but I also don’t know if I’ll slowly get stronger and fitter and more flexible and end up feeling like this was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.
I am a strong believer in positive thinking so I’m visualising myself waltzing into Bodyrocstudio some day in the future, feeling fit and strong, looking more toned and leaner and thanking Joyce for being a big part of starting me on my fitness journey…. Who knows when this will happen but I’ve got to believe this will come and I’m going to try and relax as much as I can and hopefully week after week my confidence will grow as I intend to enjoy the journey as much as the results!
